Kworb's average, boring blog. In it you will find random rants, things from the web, things from real life, poetry and other art. So it's not really unique or anything.
Been spending so much time underground
I guess my eyes adjusted
To the lack of light
I got covered in darkness
Hibernating, always waiting for something new
Happiness always ending
In the blink of an eye
There was no one attending
Even though we have a really cheap instant coffee machine here at work, the cappuccino with an extra shot of espresso tastes really good. It gets me through the days. :P
Things have kinda been up and down for me. I still worry too much about the future. But not really about specific things like I used in the past, more like the general picture. I'm almost 23 and still don't have an idea of what I want to accomplish in life. I know that's normal, but somehow I feel like my time is running out. I have to start living for something now or I will have nothing but regrets when I'm older.
Then again, what's there to regret if there is nothing that interests me? I only ever see the negative side of things and that is my motivation to never do anything. When I do "take a chance", so to say, the negative things always come true like I expect them to. But that could just be a self-fulfilling prophecy. A vicious circle. Expect things to suck --> things actually do suck --> continue to believe things will suck. Blah.
I really don't know the solution to my problems. My friend tells me I should force myself to be more social and find people to build relationships with because that's the only way to truly experience life. This would be fine if I actually enjoyed being around other people. Of course, that raises the question, why is it that I don't like other people?
I've always believed that it's because I find it very difficult to care about what happens in other people's lives. There isn't much that interests me so when people talk to me about something random, chances are I don't really care at all, and then I get bored and annoyed. This is much worse in group situations when I am not expected to say anything; then I simply don't, because I feel like I can't add anything of substance to the conversation (even if everyone else is rambling just as uselessly). Another thing is that I'm never in the mood to do anything (the self-fulfilling prophecy bit I talked about earlier). People have to drag me to places, and only rarely do I find myself enjoying my time more than if I were just wasting it behind a computer screen. That means that any friendships I've had (if you can call them that) were maintained by the "other party". As soon as they stop calling or IMing or whatever, I don't pursue them. I just don't care enough.
Some would say that it is not the lack of empathy but more my own insecurities and lack of self esteem that stop me from pursuing real life contact. Honestly, I don't know if that's true. I think I'm a pretty cool person. Funny, intelligent, kinda weird. But also really nice and understanding, and I rarely get angry. I can see why people would want to hang out with me.
But the way I perceive it, is that I'm just weighing my options. Where do I feel most comfortable, what do I enjoy more? When I ask myself this, I always see myself living online, listening to music, watching TV shows, playing video games. But then, if that's what makes me happy, why am I still so bothered by my own uselessness and insignificance? If mindless entertainment is truly the most enjoyable way for me to live my life, why do I always feel like I should be doing something more important? Is it guilt that I am wasting my intelligence? A subconscious hunger to be more special? I wish I knew.
